You’re still haunting my dreams. For some reason, you came up a lot today, whether it was in conversations or just in thought. I think I can get over it, but the only real thing that bothers me is that it feels like it was all for nothing. It feels like that everything didn’t even mean anything to you. It feels like our friendship had absolutely no meaning to you and I don’t even want to know whether you really meant all the things you said. I guess, I just want some closure. Yeah, closure might be nice, but how the hell should I know. God I’m emo. But I guess that’s what this blogs for. My rants, my stories, my stress, my emotions, my heart. HA. Heart. God I’m sappy. How gay. For any of you who know me and are reading this. DON’T JUDGE ME. KTHX. :) Everyone needs to vent in a while or else you’re not human. God I just remembered something else that hit me hard last week. I found out some news. No, not good news. But I guess its good that I know now rather than not knowing for sure all these years. So its kind of a relief, but it is stressful at the same time. Another burden to live with, but, honestly, I think I’m finally coming to accept it and be okay with it. I guess we’ll see.

I miss you. I love you. And I need you now more than ever.

Recently, I’ve been trying to get back in touch with some friends that I haven’t seen in a while. They’re all friends that were at one point, really good friends of mine, so it should be easy to re-kindle that connection with those friends right? Yet, when I try to make an effort of hanging out or doing something, they don’t seem to even give me the respect of halfassing and trying. I ask to hang out, don’t want to go out or laugh and say okay but never do because apparently too cool for me. Ask to call me when you’re in town, don’t even bother. I text, no answer. Ask to come with me on something important because I don’t want to go by myself, nope. Try to stir up a conversation, act uninterested with minimal response. I am really getting extremely sick and tired of all this bullshit from these people. Especially because we used to be such good friends. This has been going on for years now. Like seriously? I’m trying, and sure, I do the same sometimes, but not nearly as much as you. If you don’t make the fucking effort, why should I? God this sounds so pathetic, but I’m just so sick and tired of it. So for now, fuck you. Fuck you all. If you think you’re too cool to hang out with me, I guess you are. Go shove it up your ass.

Its 6 in the morning. Should I sleep? I’m not really tired. Meh. Its times like this I wish I smoked still. It’d be great to be out on the balcony right now with a smoke. Eh. I’ll start by going on the balcony and see if I get tired. Good morning sun, good night world.

A wise man once told me that you have to forgive each other and not get hung up on the past.

On another note, I had another long and relatively fun night yesterday. Lots of drinking, lots of singing, lots of shouting, lots of good company, and best of all, good music. I love my friends. We have so much fun, its kind of ridiculous. I’m getting way too old for this ish. I got back at 6AM this morning. Night of drinking at my apartment then off to the nrb we went until about 5 in the morning and then headed back to my apartment. Probably did a few things I shouldn’t have. I’ll be smarter about it next time haha. I promise, but I mean, hey how much longer can I keep it up like this before I REALLY have to face the real world? Plus, I really need these nights to keep my minds off a few things. Its been a pretty hard week, but luckily lots of work, fun, and good friends have helped me get through it. It kind of really sucks right now actually haha. But whatever. I’ll get through it. There’s so much I could say right now. So much that I’ve been thinking this past week. So much that I’ve bottled up inside of me. So many emotions running through me right now that I just want to let go. But I think I’m just going to let it brew for a little longer. Maybe it’ll settle down or maybe it’ll boil over. I guess you’ll have to wait and see.